Polar Vortex undermines the Catholic Church: A Cold Conspiracy

Claire Cariola , IPage Editor

Earlier this semester, the students of St. Ignatius were surprised to hear news of a “polar vortex”
moving towards Chicago. Naturally, the first thought that crossed every student’s mind was “does
this mean a snow day?” Shortly after, the students had many of their dreams shattered when Ms.
Latko sent out an email that stated “In recent years, it has not been our practice to cancel school for
such conditions along, and it is unlikely that we will do so this winter.” She went on to encourage
school commuters to keep a Cold Weather Safety KitTM️ in their cars in case of emergency. When
students received this email, it seemed as if their snow day wish would not be granted. But, not all
hope was lost! As temperatures continued to drop and the percentage chance of snow continued to
rise, the students saw a glimmer of light.

Just three grueling days after this email was sent, the “final judgment day” came upon the
students. On January 27, 2019 at approximately 3:28 PM, the email we had all been anxiously
awaiting had come and the students rejoiced. Although this seemed to be just another triumph for
the Ignatius students, speculations have been made that it is so, so much more. In the excitement
of awaiting the email. Another detail was overlooked. The week of January 27 to February 2 was, in
fact, Catholic Schools Week. Researchers have been looking into past weather patterns for the last
20 years on this week and have found no evidence of polar vortexity in the past. This can only mean
one thing, conspiracy. In order to pull off a scheme of this size, it would take immense power. Who
is behind this plot to undermine the Catholic Church? How did they gain access to the weather?
What will they do next?